


Harry Under Pressure

by RealWinchesterGirl95



Category: One Direction, zayn malik - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Harry has and eating disorder, More tags later, clueless band mates, everyone loves harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 23:56:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8122552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealWinchesterGirl95/pseuds/RealWinchesterGirl95
Summary: Harry's never been away from home. And he's never been worried about his weight. Till now. 15 Minutes Of Writing





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Should I continue or abandon?

"Harry, Over here!"

"Give us a smile,"

"Harry can I get a picture!?" fans and paparazzi yell in my face as I try and push my way through the mob of people to the black SUV waiting for me. I keep my head down, designer sunglasses hiding my tired eyes. There's no rest while on tour.

At first, this was fun. Now, it's painful. We are half way through our first tour and it is hell. I'm so tired but when I get some down time I'm too tired to sleep.

When I finally make it to the SUV, after Paul has come to save me, I can feel the after effects of the mobbing raising my anxiety. Giving me an uneasy, queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. As I settle into my seat, shopping bags at my feet, I hear Niall telling a story about a pet chick he tried to feed Nandos when he was a child. I tune him out.

I can't think about food.

I can't want food.

I can't let myself.

Back before all this, when I worked at the bakery, I would eat scones and biscuits all day while washing them down with milky tea and not even blink an eye. Calories didn't exist. Now? Now though.

'Love handles' the blogs said, after I was photographed without having my shirt on last week. 'Adorable' the girls tweeted at me, linking the photo of me shirtless.

I didn't like it.

I couldn't let myself stay like that.

"Speaking of Nandos," Niall's Irish accent booms off the window next to my head.

Now I have a headache.

"Let's go find one and have lunch." a round of agreements rings out in the car.

"Actually, can you drop me at the hotel, I promised Gemma I would Skype her. "

_You're not hungry._

_Hunger is not in your vocabulary._

_I would never let you lose control._

When they drop me off I don't Skype Gemma. I never was going to.

I chug a bottle of water to quiet the rumbling of my stomach before changing into some workout clothes and going to the hotels gym.

It's empty.

I step onto the stair stepper.

The first time I stepped onto the scale I was 160.

That night I climbed stairs till I was flying with the birds. That was seven pounds ago.

_160_

_159_

_158_

_157_

_156_

_155_

_154_

_153_

Three more pounds and I'll be happy.

 _You'll never be happy_.

I climb stairs till I'm flying with the birds and then I keep going till I'm sure I see heavens gates and angels fly around me as I climb towards outer space. I never make it to outer space. Not quite. I step off the machine and walk over to the mirrors lining the walls.

"I'll be happy when I'm thin."


	2. I Eat the Banana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanna write with me? I have availability for co-writers if you'd like.

  
_153_

152.7

151

152

151.5

151

150.9

150.2

Three pounds in the last eight days.

_Barely three pounds. Should have been ten._

"Shut up." I mumble too quiet for anyone to hear.

Breakfast.

I'm sitting in the common area that the band and crew eat and hang out in.

_Don't eat it._

But I'm hungry. I hit my goal, I can eat if I want to.

_New goal. 140. Just ten more Harry._

I'm hungry.

_No. You're bored._

Hungry.

_Bored._

~~I am hungry.~~ I could die of boredom.

I chug three glasses of water before making an excuse to leave.

I have to call my mom. I'm going to work out till I reach outer space today.

Because I have a new goal.

_140_

By the time I'm changed and in the gym I only have four hours before I have to be back for sound check.

I can burn 650 calories. I can reach the sky. I aim to reach space. Where eternity exists.

My alarm goes off. Times up.

_712 calories. Not bad. For a failure._

~~I'm so hungry I could eat a raw stake.~~ I'll be so much happier when I perform on an empty stomach.

_Sparkling water will full you up more than regular water._

I chugs two cans. I can feel it burning a hole in my stomach.

By the time I make it back to backstage of the arena the boys are already changing.

Panic.

I walk over to a corner. Taking my kakis, a white button-up, a red jumper to pull over that and a grey sports coat with a fake red hanky to match my jumper. I try my best to angle my body away from the eyes of others. Trying to spare them from having to look at my disgusting body. All of our outfits are laid out for us by wardrobe.

If I had my way, I’d hide under a million layers. I’d pile on the layers till no one could even see my face.

Maybe I’d suffocate.

The blubber covering my bones could suffocate me.

"Harry," it's Liam. He's finished changing and he takes a step closer to me. He too has kakis on, looser than mine. Also, a green plaid button up. His hair has been fluffed. "You been working out? You're looking good, mate."

_He's lying. He's just too nice to tell you how far you've gotten._

I can't let myself believe him.

"Umm, yeah," I start in my signature slow drawl. "I started working out a couple weeks ago."

He claps me on the back. Knocking my breath away.

"You should start working out with me, yeah? Could be some bonding time for us."

As if he doesn't spend enough time with you. He's probably just trying to hide the fact that he's sick of you.

"Maybe, yeah." I lie. Liar. That's what I've become.

When I was just a bakery working I never lied. Not even the white ones.

'Honesty is the best policy' they say.

I slip the spots coat on as quickly as possible. Then my slip my body on and lace them up. They match my kakis. I look at my reflection.

I look disgusting.

'Five minutes,' they call as a warning. We gather around, ready to make our entrance.

Zayn’s wearing plaid too. It’s red. Jeans. he’s wearing jeans instead of kakis. He’s nothing like Liam. Liam is all soft edges with a big heart an done kidney.

Zayn is all sharp jaw and a hard stare and thoughts that always haunt his eyes.

Louis is wearing mint green skinnies and a white button up. He looks uncomfortable.

Niall is the only one who looks comfortable. Green shirt, the color on the Irish flag, red zip up hoodie an jeans. Comfort.

When we get on stage the bright lights blinds us and we can't see the fans. Can only hear them. Once we step closer we can see them. Thousands of screaming girls holding signs are just about convulsing where they stand. Some are even crying. The beginning of What Makes You Beautiful starts and the screams get louder.

"You're insecure, don't know what for." Liam has the voice of an angle. They all do.

You don’t belong with them. You’re not good enough. You’ll never be good enough. You’re pathetic.

The girls sing along.

The mothers are bored and the fathers are covering their ears.

The flashes of cameras go off and the beat of the music vibrates the stage.

“You’re turning heads when you walk through the door,

Don’t need makeup, to cover up,”

We step along with choreography that we are made to do. It’s simple. Can’t mess it up it’s so simple.

“Being the way that you are is enough,” I go on autopilot, raising the mic to my mouth and putting on my brightest smile as we ‘dance’ along with the lyrics flowing from my mouth.

“Everyone else in the room can see it,

everyone else but you,” the boys join,

“Baby you light up my world like nobody else,

the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,

When you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell,

you don’t know,

you don’t know you’re beautiful.”

The tears of the crying girls have long since dried, they too are now singing along. I look at the posters they’re holding.

Dozens of “I love you’s” with our names on them are being waved around. One stands out.

‘It’s okay, Harry. I love your love handles.’ with the picture from the blogs taped to it.

My breath catches in my throat. I can’t breath.

Even they know how disgusting you are. They’re lying about loving them. Love handles are just one step away from muffin top. Nasty.

By the time we finish the last song sweat is funning down my back, between my shoulder blades and is dampening my white button up.

The other four are already puling off their sweat soaked clothes. I hesitate. They see me naked all the time so I suck it up and turn away.

“Remember boys,” Liam, Daddy Direction, starts. “Tomorrow we have an interview right after breakfast so make sure you’re up early enough to eat breakfast.” he’s slipping a t-shirt over his head. It’s on that he’s had since before One Direction so its looking worn in and has a vintage look to it. It has Batman on it.

Later that night, when I crawl into bed, the voice in my head won’t let me sleep. It’s coming up with different excuses to not eat and different ways to avoid the boys, mainly Liam’s, prying eyes.

As I fall asleep I dream of distorted mirrors and fat little Harry’s running around trying to hide from the eye of millions of girls.

I wake up sweating.

My alarm is blaring and I see that it’s already 6:35. Fifteen minutes before breakfast is over.

I’m dizzy.

I’ll let you have a banana. Nothing more.

I eat the banana.


	3. You don't deserve the banana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright help me out here. I want to have Harry acknowledge the voice but I'm thinking of having the voice be female and him refer to it as 'her'. Why? Well, because Harry has always been a feminist so I feel as though this is what makes sense. What do you guys think? All opinions are welcome!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright help me out here. I want to have Harry acknowledge the voice but I'm thinking of having the voice be female and him refer to it as 'her'. Why? Well, because Harry has always been a feminist so I feel as though this is what makes sense. What do you guys think? All opinions are welcome!

  
"Cut the crap, Harry. Just eat it." Liam pushed the bowl or porridge back in front of me.

I swore, only a banana.

_If you eat that, you're a fat pig._

Can't let myself want it.

"Liam, I'm really just not feeling well. I'm feeling poorly. I have no appetite."

~~I could eat a small village of hamburgers and still have room for dessert.~~

I'm not hungry.

"You were feeling fine last night. What has you so poorly?" now he's concerned. He takes the seat across from me. Legs of the folding chair scraping on the tile.

We leave in five minutes.

I shouldn't even let you eat the banana. You don't deserve it.

I don't deserve it.

_You barely deserve to breath._

"I just woke up with a sore stomach, it's not a crime to feel poorly lee-yum." he softens.

"Just stay hydrated, the last thing we need is you passing out, yeah?" he gets up and walks away, coming back seconds later with a bottle of water and sets it in front of me after removing the cap.

I take a sip.

"Grab a jacket, yeah? It's a bit nippy out." he gets up and grabs the sweater that I had left the night before and brings it to me before pulling on his own. That's the thing about Liam, he's such a nurturing person that you can use it against him. It's a weakness.

_You're going to need to kick up your game if you want to keep him off your back._

I take a sip.

_100 situps for every song you perform._

_Two hours on the elliptical everyday._

_If you have to sit on the toilet, you've failed._

_don't drink more than three cups of water a day, you'll bloat._

_always listen to me, don't listen to anyone else._

_ToomuchtoomuchTOOMUCHTOOMUCHTOOMUCHTOOMUCH_!

I can't breath.

_Oh suck it up you fat baby._

I

can't

breath

_You're being dramatic._

BREATH.

I.

CAN'T

BREATH.

_Get up and walk out the door. They're waiting for you._

Right, the interview. Local radio interview.

Once we are all pilled into the black SUV that is slowly becoming our second home I feel safe.

There's nothing in here that can destroy me.

Paul turns the radio onto the station that we are about to be interviewed by.

They sound like every other radio station that we've interviewed with.

Theres at least three hundred girls screaming outside the building.

Sreamsscreamscreamscreamscreamsscreamscreamscreamscreams

Blood pounds in my ears as it rushes through my veins. I keep my head down as we make our way through the mobs of people, Paul by our sides.

The screams quiet when the door closes behind us.

Quietquietquetquietquietquetquietquietquetquietquietquetquietquiet

Deep breaths

We are escorted into the elevator and it takes us to a higher level. There's a whole room of people waiting for us. Theres snacks and coffee. Thankfully the other four al bypass them since they had just eaten. Only Paul stopped to get a cup of coffee before sitting himself on the sofa outside of the recording room. We are introduced and given headphones, stationed at microphones and someone begins a countdown. We are asked the same questions in every city. They drone on and on until,

"So, Harry." I look back up at them. When had I zoned out? "Recently there was a photo of you that has gone viral." I can hear the blood rushing in my ears again,

whooshwhooshwhooshwhooshwhooshwhooswhooshwhooshwhoosh

"Yeah," is my only response but it doesn't faze the host at all.

"Now, if you haven't seen this picture of Harry, it's him in swim trunks and nothing else. But that's not whats grabbed everyones attention. This is possible the first time that someone has called a celebrity cute in the same sentence as 'love handles'. Now if you don't believe me, these articles are crawling the internet."

"Being someone in the spotlight you kind of just learn how to not let it get to you." Liam speaks up. "When the article came out management brought it to our attention and made sure Harry was okay before they let him do any interviews, kinda like a debriefing."

"And is that the first time something like this has happened?" nosey people.

"No, not at all. It happens every couple weeks, but we have a good team that gives us amazing support."

I love Liam.

I wait for him to ask me more questions.

He doesn't.

By the time the interview comes to an end I need a nap, and by the looks of it so does Zayn. "Alright boys, when we get back to the hotel pack up, we ned to be on the road in two hours."

I throw everything into my suitcase as quickly as possible before making my way to the gym to burn away my sanity.

_Forty-five minutes doesn't even give you enough time to fly with the birds._

It's all I have time for.

_It's not enough._

But-

_Figure something out._

When I finish climbing. Ive almost reached the birds. I slip into my room unnoticed by the band and start to do sit ups.

When my phone buzzes with a text from Paul telling me it's time to go, I have a plan.

**Stomachs being sour. I might be a little while.**

I got a text back nearly 30 seconds later. Come as soon as you can, do you need anything? I send back a negative to his question and do another two hundred sit ups before starting on pushups. I do fifteen before my arms give out. I start on jumping jacks.

_*knock knock*_

my breathing is labored. I need a minute.

"Just a second!" I call. I dash to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I flush the toilet to make it seem like I had just gotten sick.

I open the door to a worried looking Liam. "Harry, you're sweating buckets!" he tried to feel my head, "you got a fever?" I nod like its a struggle before grabbing my bag and dragging it behind me. "You been getting sick?" i wish.

"Yes," the whisper falls into the room like vapor smoke, smooth then disappears.

"Let me take that," he grabs my bag and hauls it over his shoulder before leading me out of the room. "you'll be more comfortable on the bus. I lean on him for 'support' as we make our way to the bus. He hands my bag to Paul and practically carries me up the steps to the bus.

"Hey Haz, you feeling any better?" Niall asks, concerned. His brows are furrowed.

"Yeah babe, you look like crap. Looking a little thin too, you been eating alright?" his voice sounds soft.

_You look strong, thanks to me._

I nod as if everything is alright before climbing into my bunk with my phone and laptop.

_At least you'll have an excuse not to eat for the next couple days._

_Fat-ass_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright help me out here. I want to have Harry acknowledge the voice but I'm thinking of having the voice be female and him refer to it as 'her'. Why? Well, because Harry has always been a feminist so I feel as though this is what makes sense. What do you guys think? All opinions are welcome!
> 
> Have a favorite quote you'd like to see in here? Send it to me and I'll work it into chapters and give credit!


	4. Chicken Breast

“After all. It’s not what you’re eating. It’s what’s eating you.” the woman voice came through my headphones. I wait patiently for the episode of Supersize vs Superskinny to actually get going. I watch as a group of overly large people, and a group of clearly underweight people gather in a room together. I love this show. I hate it.

The Supersizers shove chocolate and crisps into their mouthes and as the superskinnies avoid food and push it away.

_You could be that skinny_

I’ll never be that skinny

_You don’t have a choice_

I look over to my right, over the top of my laptop and see Louis smiling down at his phone. He catches my eyes and winks at me before going back to his phone. We were all chilling in the lounge that the stadium provided for us. We had a couple hours of free time and while the other guys were eating lunch I was trying to gross myself out.

_Just look at all that fat flapping around. That’s you_

But I’m not that large

_You’re practically obese_

I’ve lost weight-

_You’re disgusting_

I hate myself

“Oi, Harry.” I jerk and yank my earbuds out of my ears, looking up at Louis. “What’cha watching over there?” he moves to get up and I quickly close out the internet tab with Supersize vs Superskinny revealing a cheesy romcom.

“Just a romcom.” he plops down next to me on the sofa.

“Always with the romantic movies. Well, leave it on pause. It’s lunch time.” my heart is in my throat.

This morning I was at 141 this morning. Which means I should be hitting my goal weight tomorrow. If I eat lunch I won’t be hitting it for two days.

I stand.

Black spots dance in front of my eyes and my head spins. I start to tip but catch myself on the wall to my left. When my vision cleared I looked up to see if anyone had noticed. Louis was staring at his phone and the rest of the room was empty already.

“Set then, yeah?” he slips his phone into his back pocket and finally looks at me.

“Yeah,” we made our way to the dinning hall and I started to panic a little. I Made my way over and made a plate for myself. Steamed veggies and a chicken breast with mushroom gravy. I grab two water bottles. When we sat down to eat my phone began to ring before I even had the chance to panic again.

Mum

‘Im gonna take this in my dressing room.” I tell the lads before standing up, plate in hand, and make my way out the room. I quickly close the door to my dressing room and put down my plate. I pull out my phone and ring my mum back.

“Hello darling,” it’s so nice to hear her voice that I almost cry. I talk to her for a few minutes before she has to go. I take the plate of food and rip it into smaller pieces before I dump it all down the toilet.

When I wake up, I am 140.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been ages since I've updated! I'm actually looking for someone to help write this story with me so if you would like to help me continue this please leave your email in the comments!
> 
> I don't want to continue this alone so if I a cant find 1+ people to write with me I'll probably just abandon this fic

I stare at myself in the mirror and run my fingertips down my chest and over my prominent chest an rib bones sticking out.

At 138.4 I am covered in layers and layers of fat yet still thin enough to be able to see the curve and dip of bone. Turning to the side and being forwards slightly to expose my spine and shoulder blades from where they hide under ten thousand pounds of lard.

Spreading my hand along the side of my ribs to feel the dip their is euphoric. I tara deep breath to watch the bones expand from my hunched position.

I am... Thin enough?

_Thin enough isn't exist for you. You're a at pig and Ned to work harder. No one can ever love you like this._

I am a piece of garbage amongst a bed of the most uglies weeds.

 _You need to workout I have meet up with the lads in two hours You could be burning calories instead_.

I am a fat pig and need to workout.

I slip on a tshirt that hangs off my body and gym sorts I have to tighten all the way to get to stay up. I don't understand why my clothes are so loose when I am so clearly obese. Some days it seems the longer I stare at myself in the mirror I can actually see my skin expanding with all the disgusting fat that clings to my bones and suffocates my internal organs.

I want to take scissors and cut it all off.

It's been two weeks since I hit my goal of 140. I maintained for a while. Thinking the voice inside my head was satisfied. It wasn't. Two days ago I decided I couldn't handle still being this fat.

Management said I'm looking too thin.

They are jealous fat liars.

**Author's Note:**

> Should I continue or abandon?


End file.
